Clearly it’s far too early to be thinking about this already – and it feels like an eternity before I will actually be able to find out. But I am willing to hedge my bets that nearly every mother thinks about it. Is it going to be a boy or a girl? I know the obvious and most PC answer is: doesn’t matter as long as it’s healthy. I know this – we don’t have to say it and pretend that it makes us better people – because despite many parents not minding what sex their child is, there are some who just simply have a preference.
Honestly though, I hope my mindset will change. I have had so long to think about this day that I seem to have twisted myself around the idea of having a girl. I would go as far as to say that I’m not even content with the idea of ‘eventually’ having a girl, say, if this one turns out to be a boy – because a sick part of me panics and thinks: What if they keep turning out to be boys?
Why is it such a big deal? Truthfully I don’t know. I keep reminding myself that no matter what sex it is, I will still love it all the same, it will still be my beautiful child and nothing will change that. But some part of me is desperate for a little girl. Perhaps it is because there are so many little boys born to family and friends I know lately, or maybe because I’m immature and love the idea of dressing her up and playing tea party with her – that would be a totally shit reason to want a girl so badly. I just don’t know what is driving this intense desire. Every time I think about it, I feel a mixture of anxiety, guilt and frustration. I’m anxious about how thinking like this will or won’t affect me as a person and as a mother, I feel guilty because I’d never want my little boy to know I wanted a little girl, and I feel frustrated because it’s still so long before I even find out for sure.
I’m being ungrateful, I know. How badly some people would love to even be able to have children, regardless of what sex they are. And here I am, moaning about something I have yet to even find out. It grosses me out too, trust me. But I’m finding it difficult to imagine how I’d feel in the 20th Week when I see the scan – how will I feel if the midwife tells me it’s a boy? And am I just over thinking this? In fact, will it be any different if she tells me it’s a girl? Or am I just focusing too much on something that’s largely unimportant, and warping it in the process?
I really hope that over the coming months, my maternal hormones will kick in, and I’ll feel such a bond with the baby that it won’t matter come Week 20. Fingers crossed.
In other news, my first midwife appointment is on May 12th and I got the hospital I wanted :)
Aaaannnd my sister bought me a really beautiful Baby Record Scrap Book!! SQUEEEE!!!
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